Sexual rights in Islam

In the name of Allah the Most Gracious the Most Merciful

In Islam men and women have rights over one another. These rights extend to every part of marriage, even the sexual relations. Both men and women have rights in this department and I will talk about both the men and the woman's rights.

First lets talk about the womens rights because many people think women are second class citizens in Islam and have no rights, sadly even some Muslims think this way. But that is simple not true. A women has the right to enjoy sexual relations with her husband just as much as a man does.

Imaam al-Bukhaari reported from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas, who said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘O ‘Abd-Allah, have I not heard that you fast all day and stand all night in prayer?’ I said, ‘Yes, O Messenger of Allaah.’ He said: ‘Do not do that. Fast and break your fast, stand in prayer and sleep. For your body has rights over you, your eyes have rights over you, and your wife has rights over you.’” In the commentary on this hadeeth, it says: “The husband should not exhaust himself in worship to the extent that he becomes too weak to fulfil her rights by having intercourse with her and by earning a living.” (Fath al-Bari)

It is also the wife’s right that her husband should spend his nights with her. Ibn Qudaamah al-Hanbali said: “If he has a wife, he should spend one night in four with her, so long as he has no excuse.” (Al-Mughni, 7/28; Kashf al-Qinaa’, 3/144).

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said: “It is obligatory for the husband to have intercourse with his wife as much as is needed to satisfy her, so long as this does not exhaust him physically or keep him away from earning a living… If they dispute over this matter, the judge should prescribe more in the way of intercourse just as he may prescribe more in the way of spending.” (Al-Ikhtiyaaraat al-Fiqhiyyah min Fataawa Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah, p. 246)

Sharee’ah also requires that a wife be protected from immorality by means of her husband having intercourse with her, as much as is needed to satisfy her and to provide this protection. But there is no way that this can be stated in terms of a specific period of time, such as four months, or more, or less. It should be defined according to the wife’s needs and her husband’s ability to fulfil her rights… All of this applies in normal circumstances, when the husband is present and living with his wife.

If the husband is absent from his wife because he is travelling for a legitimate purpose or other legitimate excuse, in this case the husband should try not to be absent from his wife for too long.

The husband is obliged to treat his wife in a kind and reasonable manner. Part of that kind and reasonable treatment is intercourse, which he has to do. The majority of scholars set the time limit beyond which it is not permissible for the husband to forego intercourse at four months, but the correct view is that there is no time limit; the husband should have intercourse with his wife according to what satisfies her.

Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Intercourse is obligatory upon the man if he has no excuse. This was also the view of Maalik. Al-Mughni, 7/30

Al-Jassaas said:
He (the husband) is obliged to have intercourse with her, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“…so as to leave the other hanging (i.e. neither divorced nor married)…”[al-Nisa’ 4:129]
meaning, neither divorcing her so that she can marry another or leaving her without a husband because he is not fulfilling his duty of having intercourse with her.
Ahkaam al-Qur’aan, 1/374


Now lets move on to the mans right.

One of the rights that the husband has over his wife is that he should be able to enjoy her (physically). If he marries a woman and she is able to have intercourse, she is obliged to submit herself to him according to the contract, if he asks her. That is after he gives her the immediate mahr, and gives her some time – two or three days, if she asks for that – to sort herself out, because that is something that she needs, and because that is not too long and is customary.

If a wife refuses to respond to her husband’s request for intercourse, she has done something haraam and has committed a major sin, unless she has a valid shar’i excuse such as menses, obligatory fasting, sickness, etc.

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘When a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he went to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3065; Muslim, 1436)

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34]

‘Ali ibn Abi Talhah said, narrating from Ibn ‘Abbaas: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women” means, they are in charge of them, i.e., she should obey him in matters of obedience that Allaah has enjoined upon her, and obey him by treating his family well and taking care of his wealth. This was the view of Muqaatil, al-Saddi and al-Dahhaak.(Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/492)

The Art of Complaining

Have you ever found yourself falling into the habit of complaining, whether the complaint was valid or not? Bint Abdelhamid shares thirteen ways to perfect the art of (not) complaining.

They say that “misery loves company,” and it’s true. I spent some time in an educational institute overseas, where the teaching lay somewhere between mediocre and bad, and the institute policies were even worse. It helped, in a manner of speaking, to sit down with other sisters in the institute and outline all our misery and woes. It made us feel like we weren’t alone.s

One of the sisters with us was several years younger than most, and rarely engaged in our “miserable company” sessions. It was obvious she understood all the institute’s shortcomings, but between finding other things to say and knowing it would all be over in a few months’ time, when we could move up to a different, betterrun part of the institute, she managed to always stay positive.

We talked to this young sister once, about her life and family. She was around fifteen years old at the time, and the eldest of three siblings. Their mother was mentally ill, incapable of caring for herself, let alone her family or children; and their father spent most of his time taking care of his ill wife. So caring for the younger siblings, seeing that they were well-fed and getting along in school, among other things, all fell largely on this fifteen-year-old’s shoulders.

It was clear that this sister had a lot to deal with, but she never complained. Even when she described her life, her mother, her responsibilities, she described them matter-of-factly, as simply a part of her existence. If anyone had the right to complain about something, among our gathering, it was this sister; but she never complained.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture of complaining, where it’s easy to strike up a conversation on how ridiculously high the prices are or how bitter cold the weather is. Sometimes, we complain about petty things, and sometimes about larger ones – but whatever it is, we find it easier to pick out the faults of our everyday lives and situations, even when we have so much to be thankful for.

In an effort to train myself to complain less (and hopefully squash the habit of complaining altogether), here is list for thirteen ways to complain less:

1. Make your complaint to Allah

When Yusuf Alehissalaam was separated from his father, and Ya’qoob u lost his eyesight due to sorrow, Ya’qoob u said, “I only complain of my suffering and my grief to Allah…”

[12:86].

Allah is the All-Capable, and the One Who can ease your affairs, so if there is something troubling you, make your complaint to Him, SAW.

2. Only complain to the people if complaining is beneficial

This may be to get one of your rights, or the right of someone else you know – sometimes, complaining is necessary. Be as kind and polite about it as possible, and don’t overdo it.

3. Talk about practical solutions

Rather than making your complaint a constant, endless whine, talk about practical solutions to the problem you’re facing. Is it a problem without a visible, practical solution? Then make your complaint to Allah!

4. Let the small things pass

Anas ibn Malik said, “I served the Prophet SAW for twenty years. He never said ‘uff’ to me, and he never said about anything I had not done, ‘Why didn’t you do it?’ or about something I had done, ‘Why did you do that?’” [Muslim]. Most things are small enough that we can just let them go.

5. Speak about Allah’s favours

Rather than picking out everything that’s wrong in your life, try picking out some of the things that are right, and speaking about them. Allah swt says, “But as for the favor of your Lord, report [it].” Doing this should not only help you avoid complaining, but you’ll also be fulfilling a command from Allah!

6. Remember those less fortunate

One way to jolt yourself back to reality and appreciate Allah’s blessings over you is to remember those less fortunate than you. Read about others suffering in Asia, Africa, and all over the world. Read about orphans in Palestine. Read about the homeless in your own country, your own city – interact with them if possible. Don’t drown yourself in despair, but use these stories as a means to be grateful and to thank Allah for what you have.

7. Reduce the stress in your life

You may be complaining because you have a sizeable amount of stress in your life. You need an outlet, and that’s understandable. Stop multitasking for a bit; take some quiet time out to relax: sit in a darkened room, breathing deeply for a few minutes; go for a walk outdoors; listen to some soothing anasheed, or read some Qur’an.

8. Read stories from the seerah

Take note from the words and ways of the Messenger saw, the sahabah, and the righteous generations after them. Learn from their manners and etiquettes in speech.

9. Talk about other useful matters

You don’t have to talk about the mundane things in your life that drive you crazy. Instead, talk about larger things that excite you: new knowledge you’ve learned; projects you’d like to work on; a wonderful nature trip that made you contemplate the beauty of Allah’s creation.

10. Tell funny stories (without lying)

There will still be time for chit-chat with friends and family. Instead of worrying them with complaints they can’t help with, tell them funny stories from work and life, cute things your kids said. Humour is a wonderful way to make everyone feel better!

11. Recognise complaining as a habit

Monitor your speech from time to time. Do you find that complaining is more of a habit than a useful endeavor? Recognising it as a habit is an important first step in learning to squash it.

12. Find better company

Do you find yourself complaining more when you’re around certain people? Maybe it’s because you have little in common with these people, or because they’re uninterested in being positive and thankful. If that’s the case, then it’s time to find better company, company which is a lot less “miserable.”

13. Talk less

In general. If you’ve tried everything you can think of, and still find yourself complaining too much, maybe it’s because you’re talking long after you’ve run out of things to say. Don’t let the shaytaan lead you into useless or harmful talk. Instead, keep your tongue moist with the remembrance of Allah. Repent to Him often. Thank Him often. Praise Him often. Send salutations upon the Messenger saw often.

When I think back to my time at that institute, I realise it’s too late to “undo” the complaining I once did. What I can do now is use that experience as a stepping stone towards complaining less and being more thankful. And instead of concentrating on all the faults of this institute (enumerating them won’t help anyone here), I can tell, instead, about that wonderful fifteen year old sister I met there, about how her more-difficult-life but complaint-free-tongue put me to shame, and about how her patience inspired me to seek the art of not complaining.

They are Clothing For You and You are Clothing For Them

By Sheikh Salman al-Oadah

Allah says: “It is made lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives on the on the night of the fasts. They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…” [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 187]

Allah chose to use the word “clothing” rather than any other word to describe the special relationship between a man and his wife. Allah made the man clothing for the woman and the woman clothing for the man. The word “clothing” as used in this context is rich with meaning. It would be quite difficult to express in words every subtlety that it conveys. We shall try, however, to consider a few of the ideas that this word expresses.

1. The word “clothing” in its most literal sense is what immediately covers the body with no barrier in between.

2. The word clothing connotes the idea of equality, complementarity, and support of both a psychological and physical nature. The man has his role and the woman has hers. The woman cannot be construed as merely a vehicle to fulfill the man’s desires. She is a human being, equal to the man. Each of them is as clothing to the other in every aspect of life.

3. Clothing implies adornment and beautification. Allah says: “Take your adornment to every mosque.”[Sûrah al-A`raf: 31] A man and woman are an adornment and beautification for each other.

Ibn `Abbâs said: “Indeed, I like to dress up for a woman in the same way as I like it for a woman to dress herself up for me. This is because Allah says: ‘And they have upon you similar rights to those you have upon them in good dealings.’ And I do not like to exact from her every right to which I am entitled, since Allah says: ‘and for the man there is a degree over them’.” [Tafsîr al-Tabarî (1/625)]

Some of this beauty is of a physical kind, for a person sees in the one he truly loves beauty that others do not see.

Some of this beauty is also of an intangible nature. Faithfulness and enduring friendship are a part of faith, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) said.

A woman adorns herself with her husband when she speaks about him to her friends. She can tend to embellish her account, claiming that he loves her so much, honors her so much, and gives her so much… even when the truth is far short of all that.

4. Clothing conveys the meaning of covering and concealment. Allah says: “O children of Adam! We have bestowed upon you clothing to conceal your shame and as an adornment.” [Sûrah al-A`râf: 26]

A husband and wife screen each other from falling into sin by fulfilling one another’s needs in a lawful manner.

Likewise, they conceal from others their intimacy. They do not disclose to others the details of their physical relationship nor the secrets that they share between them nor the little problems that they have with each other. They do not allow the personal life that they share together become the topic of public discourse.

5. Clothing implies cleanliness and purity. This is why Allah commands us saying: “And your clothing, purify it.” [Sûrah al-Mudaththir: 4]

This dispels the notion that some people have that the marital relationship is somehow a “dirty” thing. There are those who disdain even talking to any length about marriage and what it entails in Islam, because of the bad feelings they have about the topic.

Allah made the institution of marriage the practice of the Prophets: “Indeed we sent Prophets before your time and provided for them wives and children.” [Sûrah al-Ra`d: 38]

It was the way of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). He said quite clearly to those of his followers who wanted to become overly ascetic: “By Allah! I am the most God-fearing among you, and yet I both fast and break my fast; I both pray and sleep; and I marry women. Whoever wishes for a way other than my way is not of me.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

Clothing is something clean and decent and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

6. Clothing is a sign of wealth and self-sufficiency. In marriage, the husband and wife fulfill each others needs. Allah says: “And those who safeguard their private parts, except from their wives and those whom their right hands possess.” [Sûrah al-Mu’minûn: 5-6]

7. Clothing is a pleasure and a delight. Indeed, Allah has made clothing one of the pleasures of Paradise. He says: “Their clothing therein shall be of silk” [Sûrah Fâtir: 33] “And they shall wear therein green garments of fine silk and brocade.” [Sûrah al-Kahf: 31]

Marriage should indeed be a garment of pleasure. It should bring pleasure to the body and to the soul. It should bring about inner balance and alleviate tension and anxiety. Those who are denied this often suffer from depression, worry, and emotional instability.

8. Clothing provides protection, shelter, and warmth. Allah says: “…and He has made for you garments that protect you from the heat and coats of mail that protect you in battle.” [Sûrah al-Nahl: 81]

Allah says about David (peace be upon him): “And we taught him the fashioning of suits of armor to protect you in battle.” [Sûrah al-Anbiyâ’: 80]

The Prophet (peace be upon him), after he bathed, used to sometimes warm himself with his wife `Â’ishah. She relates to us: “Sometimes the Prophet (peace be upon him) would bathe after having intercourse and then come to me for warmth. I would hold him to me without having taken a bath.” [Sunan al-Tirmidhî]

9. Clothing implies peace and tranquility. Allah says: “And we have made the night a clothing.” [Sûrah al-Naba’: 10]

A husband and wife should find in one another peace and tranquility.

This is why the Prophet (peace be upon him) gave his first wife Khadîjah glad tidings of a house in Paradise made of reeds wherein there would be no turmoil or discomfort.

Abû Hurayrah relates the following:

Gabriel came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said: “O Messenger of Allah! Khadîjah is bringing a vessel containing broth or food or drink. When she comes to you, greet her with peace on behalf of my Lord and of myself and give her glad tidings of a house in Paradise made of reeds wherein there would be no turmoil or discomfort.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

Scholars have commented that the reason she was given glad tidings of such a peaceful house in Paradise is that her home on Earth was like that. It was not like most other homes wherein shouting was commonplace and arguments were frequent and marital problems were rife.

10. Clothing covers a person’s body, particularly the private areas. In the same way, a wife protects her husband with herself and likewise protects his wealth and children. The husband in turn protects his wife with himself and safeguards her secrets and fulfills her needs.

Allah says: “Righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in their husbands’ absence what Allah would have them guard.” [Sûrah al-Nisâ’: 34]

11. Clothing connotes quality and goodness. Allah says: “Good women are for good men and good men are for good women.” [Sûrah al-Nûr: 26]

12. Clothing conveys the image of something directly touching the skin. It is an intimate bodily contact without any barrier. When the husband and wife have intimate contact, it is as if their bodies take the place of clothing. Symbolically, there is the implication of close proximity and contact throughout their life together.

13. Clothing needs to be kept fresh and clean. It needs to be washed. Likewise the marital relationship between a husband and wife must be refreshed and reinvigorated.

14. Clothing is a personal distinction. Each of us wears his or her own personal clothing. One’s husband or wife has an even greater exclusivity. Allah says: “And those who safeguard their private parts, except from their wives, or those whom their right hands possess.” [Sûrah al-Mu’minûn: 5-6]

15. Clothing provides variety. Who among us would be content with only one suit of clothes? Likewise the marital life should provide variety. This is why when the Prophet (peace be upon him) was asked about the limits that Islam imposes upon a husband and wife in their intimate relations, he made it clear that everything between a husband and wife is permitted except for two things: anal sex and sex when the woman is menstruating.

Even then, the Prophet (peace be upon him) informed the husband and wife as to what they could do when she is menstruating. He said: “Engage in everything except sexual intercourse itself.” [Sahîh Muslim]